Apparently I am going through a complicated bereavement.
Ha! And I'm reminded of W being upbeat about having a rare and complicated cancer when first diagnosed. "Now they have to take notice of me...."
It's complicated, what with only being reconciled a few months before he died; complicated what with having just finished with the Dybbuk before W was diagnosed; complicated with being made redundant, and so having no Structure.
All I know is there are some days, when his dying just hits me like a steam train all over again - and I can't believe he's gone. That's so not possible.
Not W. He wouldn't leave the Cherub.
He just wouldn't. He was the World's Best Dad.
Don't get me wrong, I don't envy other people with uncomplicated bereavements. Wouldn't wish any kind of bereavement on anyone. All bereavement is equally crap.
30 November 2009 at 18:24
I think it's always like that. Some days you can breeze through the motions feeling all in control of your world and other days you're a big ball of uncertainty and grief. I wish there was a magic button that let you remember the good times affectionately without the searing pain that comes along with that. Wouldn't that be nice?
I think you'll do fine. And I'm delighted you have the cherub, so not only do you have a great kid but W lives on through him. I'm sure you're sick of idiots telling you that but I think it'll be a nice reminder of him in the future.
1 December 2009 at 23:11
I can't think of anything to say that wouldn't be insufferably idiotic and have you shouting at the screen. Have a virtual hug instead.
In fact, have two or three, just in case you need them later.
1 December 2009 at 23:11
Can't add much more to VA's comment. It's all crap and there's not much that can make it very different. But the Cherub is the hope for the future, that he'll grow up into just the kind of man you both wanted. And I suspect, with you beside him, he will.
2 December 2009 at 19:37
Thanks everyone. And sorry about the DOWN post. Most times I'm fine and then somedays it hits me all over again. I was expecting posts telling me to pull myself together!
Macy
x