Last Saturday it was, I decided I'd had enough. Enough of the gloom and the rain that wanted to be slush, and the  Cardiovascular Ward, and the worsening prognosis and the ongoing misery.
Enough already.
It's meant to be the Easter holidays..

So I've booked a holiday.
The Cherub and I fly out of Edinburgh International Airport first thing on Thursday.

We are going to warmer climes.
Climes with funny money and lots of foreign food
And if the locals don't understand, we'll just speak slowly till they do.

Yep.  Two days in London coming up.

Naples.  And  I'm sat on the bus from the airport doing some rough calculations It's nearly 15 years since I last landed in Italy.
Last time it was in Sicily. I was with Wayne and we had an 18 month old cherub in tow.  We landed in Palermo Sicily; our plane had been delayed, our luggage had got lost and we were driving a rented car through the rush hour traffic.
The Cherub was still in nappies, and with the luggage lost I estimated we had 12 hours until meltdown.
I was fretting about the nappy situation.
Wayne was blaming me for directing him the wrong way down a one way street.  Things were was going badly, and I was swearing that I would never ever, not in this life or the next, drive through Italian traffic.

But the Cherub was a joy.
He loved his kiddyseat, up high in the back of the car, he loved the oncoming flood of headlights.  Turns out all he'd really wanted in life so far was the sound of 500 car horns tooting loudly around us.

How could you argue with this happy wee chappy in the back seat?

Turns out things have changed a lot in the intervening years.  I've got him loads of oncoming Italian traffic complete with tooting horns and flashing lights... and all the Cherub can focus on is that we're lost.

We're on the wrong bus.... we're headed in the wrong direction... my navigation skills have been found wanting again....

No, really! It's possible! I've just done it! You really can  book a holiday by accident.

Watch this....here's the recipe..

Start with one large part of self pity. O poor wee me.. used to travel, used to do stuff.. stuck here, best years of my life ebbing out. blah blah and yadda.  Don't have any self pity?  Have some of mine.  No really. I've got plenty..

OK now add alcohol to the self pity. White wine always works for me, but apparently whisky or gin is quicker....

While you're waiting for the alcohol to kick in, fire up the PC and start trawling through  a cheap travel website.

You'll find it.  You'll find the holiday which is
(a) unbelievably cheap
(b) actually still on offer during the school holidays
(c) somewhere new, and unexplored, and somewhere you should see
(d) really, really, cheap. 

You can always find these holidays when Under the Influence.
No.  I have no idea why you can't find them when sober.

Now for the last and final piece of the jigsaw, what you really need is to live near to a provincial airport *, an airport which has so few direct flights to anywhere interesting that finding a direct flight to my cheap holiday destination of choice means that I Have To Click.  This is a sign! I am destined! I can do this!

See.  Just bought a holiday by accident.

Last minute....

To Naples.


NAPLES????


*Don't tell Alec, but Edinburgh International is a wee bit provincial

Yea for it is unto this tyme of yeare agan when ye Wyse Woman predicteth all that will come to pass.
First thynge that will come to pass is Wyse Webbe etc will drop the olde englishe stchtick. For it do her head in.
OK that's better.
Second thing that will come to pass is I will skip the usual predictions. Footballer in sex scandal, MP resigns after whatever, imminent closure of major institution, weather hot in summer, cold in winter... yadda yadda yadda, this stuff is ten a penny, and will happen every year. If you want the details on that stuff, well that's what newspapers are for..
No, as the fog and dust from the New Year clears the following has become clear in my wee (dusted) crystal ball. I am seeing Predictions for all those listed on my blog roll....

January will see Charlie winning the first ever Nobel Prize for Blogs.

In March concern will mount as to the sanity of the Vegetable Assassin as she continues to insist that Black Bun is a perfectly edible substance, and the perfect accompaniment to Vodka Martinis

In April, Pat wins a ticket to the Royal Wedding. Her hat is a triumph and is featured in the Daily Mail.

In May, the imminent closure of the Helminthdale Haslett Factory sees demonstrations fronted by none other than Mr Musgrove who is enraged at the cynicism of local government. A certain T Aldous, is heard to mutter pot..kettle..and black...Elsewhere in an astonishing act of solidarity, Scarlet Blue leads a Ladies Sit-in at the Catskill Library. This sit in is largely silent, as would be expected from Scarlet.

By June Rog's new shed is finally completed. Lily and Oz mount a silent protest until they too are given a reclining chair in aforesaid shed.

Over the Summer Mapstew's rendition of Achey Breaky Heart tops the charts throughout Europe. To the despair of his long time fans.

Autumn sees Roses appear in a new daytime chat show, co hosting with Lorraine Kelly. this programme has to be suddenly taken Off Air when Robert Downey Junior appears... Nick replaces Roses...

In November Clyde's horse will win the Melbourne Cup. Despite earlier poor form in the Sydney Autumn races... Clyde himself is on holiday in THAILAND and unavailable for comment.

In December Mme DeFarge is named leader of the British Husky racing team in the forthcoming Arctic Olympics.

Ha! See! Still got it! Further consultations with ye Crystale Ball are available at a small price.
And remember there is a No Money Back Guarantee.

Yep, yadda, whatevers, because I'm
(a) too kind to bore you with tales of how wonderful my holiday was
(b) too lazy to make up for a fortnight's blogging
(c) getting to be of the cynical opinion that all holidays are more or less the same...

I've thrown together the following statements to let you generate your own version of my holiday. All of them are true...

The Cherub and I are just back from holiday in
(a) Sunny Turkey
(b) A beautiful hotel with two swimming pools and a spa
(c) Some part of the Med that will be forever INGERLAND

Early on in the holiday I told myself that I didn't care
(a) That I was the only one there without a partner - hell at least I didn't have Rows and Sulks and Silent Breakfasts....
(b) That, early days, as the lone Scots, the cherub and I were the whitest around the pool. Tanning is easy, it's not turning to leather in your old age that's hard.
(c) That air traffic control strikes in France meant that I spent the best part of my first day on holiday in Manchester Airport


Whilst there I
(a) Once again failed to learn how to swim
(b) Perfected my Mancunian accent
(c) Managed to avoid buying a carpet

I might always remember
(a) Pamukkale's salt pools
(b) The tortoises we found whilst walking in the "ghost village"
(c) Where I was when England were bombed out of the 2010 World Cup....

And let's not forget
(a)Thanks to the great food poisoning disaster of 2010, I lost 5 pounds in two days
(b)Thanks to "Genuine Fakes Limited" my designer handbag collection has trebled
(c)Thanks to hours everyday spent in the pool, I am now indeed the colour of a very old leather sofa...