Hello NHS 24. Can I have your name please?
Hi. This is Macy M...I'm phoning on behalf of W McH..he has terminal cancer of bone and lung, is in terrible pain, and we need someone to prescribe 150mg of diamorphine as soon as possible please.
I see. Can you give me W's full name?
W..R...McH
And his address?
xxxxx Queensferry, EH30 xxx but he's not there he's here at x xxxxx Cheesetown
And his date of birth please?
y July xxmm
Ah yes I'm looking at his records. Can you confirm his doctor?
He's registered at xxxx Queensferry, but his current medication is prescribed by the Marie Curie Hospice at Frogston Road.
Now I have to ask you some questions. Has he been in pain for long?
About 6 months. He's got cancer.
And is the pain worsening?
Yes because we have no DIAMORPHINE. We need 150mg asap
Right. Can I confirm your phone number?
0131 xxx ssss
And can I call you back on this number if we get cut off?
Yes yes yes
I'm going to put you through to the duty nurse. Hold on.
...
.......
....

Hello this is the duty nurse. Can I confirm that I am talking to Macy M....?
Yes.
And your phone no is.....
Yes
Can you confirm that you are calling on behalf of .....
YES BECAUSE HE'S IN TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PAIN AND WE NEED 150mg DIAMORPHINE.
Can you confirm W's date of birth?
xxxxxx
Now I need to ask you some questions.

Where is the pain he's feeling?
It's in his back. Where the bone cancer is.
And how long has he been in pain?
Since the current meds wore off...
And is the pain worsening?
Yes. He's almost crying. Can you please send a doctor?
Does he have difficulty breathing?
Yes. He has lung cancer
Is his breathing worse than normal?
As in normal for a man with one lung?
.....
Has he changed colour?
No
Are there any signs of swelling?
Only hands and feet due to Gabapentin. That's not new. He's had swollen feet since the intrathecal.
Can I talk to W?
Um, I'll see if he's able {W, can you talk?}
W - nnnn...yeah.....yeah...

W has authorised you to speak on his behalf.
OK good. What he's having trouble saying, is we desperately need a doctor please.

Can you confirm if W is taking any medication?
HE'S GOT TERMINAL CANCER!!!! {Deep breath. Settle Macy}. OK. He's on 4 Prednisolone, 1 Omeprazole, 12 paracetemol, 12 Gabapentin, per day. This is in addition to the 45 Diamorphine, 35 Levobupivicain and 15 Clonidine in the intrathecal, and Diclofenac and Medazolam on demand. But he's in desperate pain and needs DIAMORPHINE

Sorry, can you repeat that slowly...Pretis??
....Sigh....Prednisolone...Omeprazole, that's O-M-E-P-R-A-Z-O-L-E

10 minutes later. After a wee spelling bee.

Right. I confirm that you are phoning on behalf of W McH, who has been diagnosed with cancer of lung and bone, he is on the following medication (blah blah blah blah...), despite this he is in some degree of pain. I will request that a doctor be despatched to xxxxxx Cheesetown.

THANK YOU!

I cannot guarantee the time a doctor will be with you. It may be upwards of an hour. If you have any further problems please contact us again.

I know. I know, I know, I know, if anyone phones up a central helpline asking for enough controlled drugs to kill the average human, you would ask questions wouldn't you?

I just hate seeing him in pain.