Yes you read that title right.

It was my dear old Auntie Margaret who first told me "Well my dear, you'll spend your life waiting for the man".

At the time, as I remember she was waiting for The Man from the Southern Electricity Board.

And in this, as in so much else, dear old Auntie Margaret Was Not Wrong.

Currently I am in search of, in no particular order
* A plumber
* An electrician
* A joiner
* A plasterer
And, along with half of Cheesetown, a gutter repair man.

No, what you thought I meant something else???? Like I'm looking for soul mate??? Pfft. Been there, bought that T shirt, and buried the man, thanks very much. I'll leave it to Roses to peruse the Internet dating opportunities. Right now I have very Specific Needs.

The rules for Internet dating do not apply here.

A Good Sense of Humour, for example, seems to feature highly on dating websites. Er no. I have already been sufficiently amused by various quotes given by various tradesmen. What a laugh I had at some of the quotes to replace the electric shower... And I'm still ROFL'ing at the current rates for gutter replacement. £5oo plus VAT anyone? Chiz, do the Cherub and I want new guttering, or to eat through February? Tough call.

Looks?? This is important on the old dating websites. Frankly, for someone who should only be here for a day, and then either up a ladder, or under the sink, it matters not.

Availability? This is assumed on dating websites. In more innocent times I also thought that the simple fact of advertising in the yellow pages and answering my phone call, meant that you would be available. Ah sweet bird of youth - how I miss you so. How many dates have I made with trades and delivery men who do not appear? Special mention must go to the delivery man who was due to deliver "between 7am and 5pm". Having taken a day off work to wait for my new shower - it was delivered at 9pm.

No matter. I'm still waiting on a plumber who can actually appear as arranged to install aforesaid shower. Since October... I've been waiting since October.. Read this and weep!

Glimmers of hope in the situation have all proved short lived, and as misleading as the notion of 24/7 tradesmen. In September we found Bob who could who was fitting the kitchen at Wayne's. Bob who could, sadly turned into Bob who shouldn't when he managed to throw himself across the kitchen having drilled into a mains power cable. Bob (amazingly enough still mobile...) has yet to recover sufficiently to return to the scene of the crime.

Recommendations from friends in Edinburgh have all proved dead ends. Recommended Men based in Edinburgh seem constitutionally unable to cross the City By Pass. I live two miles outside this new Maginot Line.

I can see that this search for men is going to have to go GLOBAL.