It started last April when she was complaining about an ulcer on her heel. And my mother had a long and bitter story about a man who had banged her heel with his airport trolley. And I didn't ask too many questions. I just changed the subject.
I did wonder though when by May, the ulcers were spreading, but I wasn't getting a straight answer out of my mother. She's not good with answering questions.
By June she had trouble walking, in July she fell and couldn't get up and I called her GP, because it looked like she couldn't manage on her own anymore. And I did ask the GP questions, and he prevaricated and referred her to a specialist.
The specialist gave us a couple of long words to be going on with like Peripheral Arterial Disease but was short on detail, so I consulted Google instead.
Which was frightening. I've given you a link to a page without pictures.
The operation didn't work.
The drugs to fight the infection aren't working
She's been already lost toenails and muscles - and now she's got gangrene.
There's been one question I've been scared to ask for awhile.
Last Thursday our new babyfaced consultant finally mentioned the amputation word.
Now I've got a lot of questions I can't ask in front of my mother.
- How far up will you amputate?
- Will it be both legs?
- Can you teach someone with early stages dementia to walk on a prosthesis?
1 April 2012 at 09:42
That's awful. Awful that it's got to such a serious point that amputation is a possible option. How on earth did gangrene set in? Was this because she didn't get proper medical attention at an earlier stage?
A terrible situation to have to deal with, both for you and your mother. I hope you can find a positive way through it.
1 April 2012 at 09:44
Btw, I'm getting something quite unrelated to PAD on your link.
1 April 2012 at 11:00
So sorry for that your mother's medical doctor did not gave proper treatment earlier...
1 April 2012 at 11:08
Sending very best thoughts to you both.
1 April 2012 at 11:09
Poor you. Getting straight answers out of one's mother regarding medical problems is dicey territory at the best of times. Good luck - you can't change the past but you can influence the future. Trite but right.
1 April 2012 at 12:30
you have my heart, sugar! *sigh* sending you love and positive thoughts because i know these times. *hugs* xoxoxoxox
1 April 2012 at 18:55
Like Nick, I'm having trouble with your link - goes to an unrelated article in the Guardian.
Hope you get the chance to ask the questions - write them down before you see the consultant. I also think you should just go forward from here rather than worry about what did or didn't happen before.
1 April 2012 at 19:28
Nick - Thanks. And I've changed the link ( I hope.... I think it's all escalated to this level partly because of a lack of joined up care from her GP, and partly from my mother's own obstinancy.
Haricot - Part of the problem is my mother being unable or reluctant to tell the doctor the full story. This iswhy I'm through in Glasgow so much, to make sure that I'm with her when she has medical appointments.
LX - Thank you from one of us at least!
Rog - Absolutely. Even now in the surgical ward where it's OK to say it hurts she's insisting she's fine.
She's not.
Savannah - Thank you! Where would we be without psychic hugs??
Trish - More haste less speed...done another link....again without pictures...We're due a consultation on Wednesday.
1 April 2012 at 21:01
The very first ward I worked on as a student nurse was for Arterial Surgery. It made a big impression on me. We taught all sorts to walk on prosthetic limbs and there is always the option of a walking frame and/or a wheelchair which can be used as necessary. (Just because you use them once doesn't mean you have to use them for life). Best of luck. I know how you feel - my ma is old and frail and feisty as hell!
1 April 2012 at 21:45
You're brave and strong, so you'll get through this. And I wish your mum tranquility.
1 April 2012 at 21:46
You're brave and strong, so you'll get through this. And I wish your mum tranquility.
1 April 2012 at 23:59
One of my friend's husband- after years of suffering finally had his leg amputated. After a couple of weeks he had two heart attacks and didn't survive. He was in his early eighties and his friends and family are just thankful that his suffering is over although he is sadly missed especialy by my friend.
Love and best wishes.
2 April 2012 at 06:32
Curry Queen - The ward my mother's in has plenty of amputees - and most of them still head down to the back door to smoke.
As if I ever needed another reason to stay off the fags...
Tim - Thanks you. And tranquility on the aged mother front is already achieved through tramadols on call.
Pat - Google has been another source of worry since I read the statistics on amputation. I'm looking for reassurance and worried they'll only discuss options with my mother when I'm not around.
2 April 2012 at 07:00
Any chance of you getting an appointment to speak with the surgeon without your mother there, so that you can ask those questions you do not want to discuss in front of her?
By the way, although I show as one of your followers, this post of yours never showed up on my dashboard - I only found it because you commented on my blog and I came over to see if there was anything new since the Naples Notes.
2 April 2012 at 08:06
Oh honey. It sounds so serious. I hate it when you go quiet, I understand why you did...and I was right to worry.
A practical question, do you have Power of Attorney with your mother? Is that worth broaching with her now, sooner rather than later? It means the medical staff *have* to deal with you now and it means you can make the right decisions for your mum, when she can't.
Also, I think it's right that you make a list of questions and ask the consultant. They might not want to talk to you, simply because your mum is their patient and patient confidentiality blah, blah, blah. However, you need to understand the implications of the various courses of action being offered, so you can make decisions about her long-term care.
If you take things from that tack with them, they should respond more positively.
Darling, you know where I am, shout if you need to talk, vent or wail. I'm here for you! xxxxx
2 April 2012 at 08:54
Despite your harrowing news, it's good to see you back.
I haven't any fresh advice or comfort to bring... I like Roses's idea of power of attorney... it's getting it that will be the hard part, as I know what awkward buggers elderly parents can be.
Sx
2 April 2012 at 16:22
Ah lovely lady, it is always hard to ask the questions---and even harder to process the answers.
I suppose my life was made easier by my mother understanding and accepting her fate.
I think the idea of prosthetics is hard to comprehend ----and of course depends on your mothers age.
My mother accepted that she should be in nursing care in a nursing home and accepted that it was best for her and convinced me that it was best for me.
It is hard to accept that they are not the same healthy person that you have known for all of your life.
Macy, dont go backwards and accept responsibilities that you never had----realise that you have a life and you cant become your mothers keeper----you still love her, but have your life for you and the cherub-----if your mother cant accept that, you could have been in New Zealand and not as supportive as you have been
2 April 2012 at 20:22
Oh Macy....I suspected that your quietness might be something awful...I am so sorry you and your Ma are facing this....I have nothing useful to say, just sending a hug and good thoughts x
3 April 2012 at 06:57
Librarian - I have the same problem with some other blogs I follow!! It's as if Blogger is vetting sites I want to follow...
Maybe if I did regular updates... now that would be radical.....
Roses and Scarlet - You're both right, I need a power of attorney, but I've got more chance of stopping the snow! My mother wrote the book on awkward and carnapcious...
Clyde - I wish I was in NZ....my mother in law is easier to deal with...
Libby - Trust me, good thoughts do work out there in the ether... thank you
3 April 2012 at 12:42
I'm very sorry to hear about this. It really sucks. I am wondering if there are any charities which might help with advice. Sometimes it's worth ringing the helplines on their sites. They have at the very least probably encountered similar problems before and might have a few ideas about useful resources. Good luck.
3 April 2012 at 21:46
Thanks Jenny.. Today I phoned Age Concern.. which prompted this evening's blog entry.
4 April 2012 at 20:37
Oh Macy, spit and rage and kick. And then ask the questions of the doctors, talk to the legal folk, get advice, get a social worker for your mum. There were several times the SW was able to talk sense into my my mum when I couldn't. Also, she was close, so could be there quicker than I could if necessary. I found the SW a great support just cos she had experience of dealing with grumpy old people who don't tell the full story and who want to be independent and healthy...
6 April 2012 at 17:55
Oh Hell.
Big bag of hugs.
And all the good advice from these good people