That was me. That was me, tanking it down the M9, seeing how fast the Mazda will go. I'm pushing the old rustbucket to the edge.The speedo goes to 140, I've got 110 - 114 - 120.
And that howling in the background, that was me too. I 'm yelling "Yeahwhatyigonnydo What yougonnaedohey? Eh? Bring it on... Bringitonyibastardfuckingbringitonbastardbastardbastard"
I may or may not have been hammering the steering wheel.
But they've put a big roundabout at the end of the M9, called the Newbridge roundabout, and there's a 50mph speed limit with speed cameras - so I had to slow down and take a deep breath, and come to my senses. None of this was big or clever - or even a particularly good idea since there was still one critter who hadn't died on me in the past 18 months. The Cherub still needs the odd steer to do homework, eat vegetables and get to bed before dawn.
Drugs. Drugs were called for. Bugger strength and fortitude and pulling yourself together. This needs drugs.
Drugs will sort it all.
And this being Scotland, I can get free drugs; free happy drugs from my GP's drop in surgery.
There is nothing wrong with this plan.
Zip. Nadda. Go to doc, come home be happy again.
Or at least stop screaming.
Luckily I was seen by the same GP who had been called out to the house to sign Wayne's death certificate. So he knew the history. Even better he's a dog owner himself, so he knows.
He took one look at me and prescribed Citalopram. One to be taken last thing at night.
Except I am missing Ned now when I'm awake. So I took one immediately.
......At first nothing happened. Then it all got fluffier. Fuff..That's me lying on my bed just staring at the ceiling...Fuff Hey... kid will need dinner..I'm not sleeping, I'm not awake I'm just floating...for hours...
Fuff I am not fully conscious, but not sleeping yet. It's a schleep.
If I visited anyone yesterday I hope you noticed the pacific haze...Schleep typink..
I can't remember dinner last night. Although I do remember watching the grill for ages and ages and ages. I remember phone calls, but am not entirely sure who they were from.
Today I will be on half the dose. And glad that I'm only half as upset as my GP expected me to be.
And that howling in the background, that was me too. I 'm yelling "Yeahwhatyigonnydo What yougonnaedohey? Eh? Bring it on... Bringitonyibastardfuckingbringitonbastardbastardbastard"
I may or may not have been hammering the steering wheel.
But they've put a big roundabout at the end of the M9, called the Newbridge roundabout, and there's a 50mph speed limit with speed cameras - so I had to slow down and take a deep breath, and come to my senses. None of this was big or clever - or even a particularly good idea since there was still one critter who hadn't died on me in the past 18 months. The Cherub still needs the odd steer to do homework, eat vegetables and get to bed before dawn.
Drugs. Drugs were called for. Bugger strength and fortitude and pulling yourself together. This needs drugs.
Drugs will sort it all.
And this being Scotland, I can get free drugs; free happy drugs from my GP's drop in surgery.
There is nothing wrong with this plan.
Zip. Nadda. Go to doc, come home be happy again.
Or at least stop screaming.
Luckily I was seen by the same GP who had been called out to the house to sign Wayne's death certificate. So he knew the history. Even better he's a dog owner himself, so he knows.
He took one look at me and prescribed Citalopram. One to be taken last thing at night.
Except I am missing Ned now when I'm awake. So I took one immediately.
......At first nothing happened. Then it all got fluffier. Fuff..That's me lying on my bed just staring at the ceiling...Fuff Hey... kid will need dinner..I'm not sleeping, I'm not awake I'm just floating...for hours...
Fuff I am not fully conscious, but not sleeping yet. It's a schleep.
If I visited anyone yesterday I hope you noticed the pacific haze...Schleep typink..
I can't remember dinner last night. Although I do remember watching the grill for ages and ages and ages. I remember phone calls, but am not entirely sure who they were from.
Today I will be on half the dose. And glad that I'm only half as upset as my GP expected me to be.
20 July 2011 at 09:52
You were up late last night on Google+ - being in a haze is definitely the best way to deal with it!
SX
20 July 2011 at 10:05
Oh yeah, and I remember stalking a poor man called Mathias who I had decided was a Google+ stooge or avatar to take us through training sessions...
I shall be heading back sober and trying to find out how to add friends...
20 July 2011 at 10:06
Don't think Matthias is my friend anymores btw
20 July 2011 at 10:12
He is everybody's friend!
Sx
20 July 2011 at 10:33
Maybe not the right time to mention this - with all that you have going on - but, you're very funny - the way you write.
20 July 2011 at 10:57
I've just been rated on Google+! Why? What does this mean? Rated by whom? And Matthias is mailing me, but I don't think he means to, and I can't log on to G+ again and it's all driving me to more drugs...
Blackwatertown - It's the G+ effect I reckon....
20 July 2011 at 11:48
Hey take it easy woman, don't go wrapping yourself around a tree YET! Life is stupid sometimes. And horrific. And I have no idea where I'm even going with this but you know. Fuck's sake, be careful.
PS Those drugs? I want some.
20 July 2011 at 12:15
Ms Veg - Agreed! Wrapped around a tree is so not a good look. Also a wee bit rock and roll for a life lived in Cheesetown.
20 July 2011 at 13:56
Sweet lady, this is just normal life---well normal for anyone who has had her heart trampled on at every turn she has taken---and then when her heart tried to take a detour on it's own, you got another kick.
There is no doubt that Ned was your man---he was your substitute, the one that was strong, the one that listened, the one who heard the things no one else wanted to hear----and there is no doubt that he waited as long as he could--and no doubt that you gave him all of the love that he deserved---but he was tired--he needed to go--he didn't desreve to suffer and he didn't----
You, lady, are one of the strongest people I have known, but you can only take so many kicks--so a little chemical assistance is fine, but Ned would want you to carry on--to take care of the cherub and to take care of his love--you
I wish I wasn't the other side of the world---I would help you yell at the moon, ask God who the hell he thought he was and see Ned's smile in every beast that moved
Take care---I am here to be yelled at if you need---my labby would lick away your tears
20 July 2011 at 14:54
Yep, being wrapped around a tree is so last year, to be avoided at all costs. But was it the drugs that were pushing your speed up to120? If so, that's a bit scary.
20 July 2011 at 16:20
I haven't commented here this week, because anything just sounds like platitudes. Anyway, I was crying too much to see the keyboard properly.
Still just platitudes, but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
20 July 2011 at 17:41
Valium is still my personal favourite.
By the way, it would piss me off if you wrapped yourself round a tree.
Just so you know. You've been warned.
Actually, anything that stops you running round screaming has got to be done. *sigh*
20 July 2011 at 18:40
What is google+? does it help? ... and don't beat yourself up for needing to scream/drive fast whatever......I have nothing useful to say..... I just want to say something, anything, so I shall say hold on and breathe and listen to the love pouring your way..
20 July 2011 at 18:53
Thank you for stopping by my place today.
I read the previous posts about Ned. So sorry for your loss. My cat RJ turns 14 this month and I am noticing him slowing down. I am dreading the day.
Take care.
20 July 2011 at 21:50
I just read about poor Ned, too. Sorry. He was beautiful. Hang in there.
21 July 2011 at 09:21
Clyde - Thanks. Ned never met a lab he didn't like - and had a particular obsession with blonde ones. If he's out there in spirit, he's quite likely to pass by you.
Nick - Don't worry the citalopram is to calm me down. Currently wrapping me in a pink fog..
Dave - Thank you. Tears on keyboards around here lately too...
Roses - Morphine would be my drug of choice - but they only prescribe that for physical pain.
(See what I did there....)
Libby - Google+ is the new toy rolled out by Google to replace Facebook.
We're all having teething problems with it but it's distracting me nicely.
lx (LAX!) - Hi! And sorry I was the first and bleakest commentator. As I said to Roses, worth knowing what the danger signs are with animals so you can rush them to the vet as needed.
Timorous - Thank you. I still remember your admiration of Ned for catching a squirrel last year.
It kills me that he's not here now.
21 July 2011 at 12:08
What Vegetable Assassin said.xoxox
21 July 2011 at 16:52
Feel kinda feckin' useless but everything that Vegetable Assassin and Libby said and more....
22 July 2011 at 07:12
Take a deep breath, take one day at a time and focus on your cherub.
Hope things improve a little today with half-strength drugs.
22 July 2011 at 10:17
Pat - Thanks. Don't worry. The roads are safe again.
Curry Queen - Thanks. It has to get better
Trish - Thanks. Half strength drugs and still no fags is some comfort...
22 July 2011 at 12:26
Let's spare the morphium for the cancer station.
What Matthias you talk about btw?
22 July 2011 at 15:24
Mr Mago - Erm, can we give the cancer station a miss while we're at it?
I was talking about poor Mathias Gollenz who i is so not a Google avatar! In my drugged state, I mistook him for a google avatar tsk
22 July 2011 at 15:37
Matthias Gorzolka! aka 63mago!
slaps forehead
In self defence and before I apologise a second time, er I am on drugs....
24 July 2011 at 00:00
Stop apologizing please.
And excuse me please for mentioning whatever I mentioned, I am sorry.