Stuff it.
I've had enough.
I have had enough of setting records for the longest running string of bad luck recorded on an English language blog.
(New readers please note, there's been three deaths, one redundancy and one heart attack within the past 18 months.)
And I'm telling you, something has to be done about this.
Something.
I've decided it's the Feng Shui.
Not the most obvious conclusion I know, but bear with me. I have read widely on this and stiffed shui would explain it all. You don't believe me, I suggest you check out some links.
Apparently your environment needs to be arranged so that the laws of heaven and earth supply you with a positive life force. That's all. You just balance the yin and the yang - the two principles of the universe no less.
You do all this, and luck follows.
Previously I would have dismissed this as just so much guff. I might have learned my lesson now though.
Not having aligned my yin or yang lately, would explain why luck hasn't followed. Indeed some further research has shown that not content with merely failing to attract positive flows, I have found a home which is actively repulsing them. I have, for example, read and considered the following.
*Living near a graveyard means blocked chi. I live opposite a graveyard
*A straight road leading to your door invites evil energy. I live at the top of a straight road.
*Bathrooms have a bad energy. I have a bathroom!
From my readings to date it seems that Cheesetown could be the Cherobyl of all Chi. No wonder things have been going wrong hey?
Something needs to be done. In my previous existence I happily ignored the laws of Feng Shui as so much mystic guff. Now I'm ready to give anything a go.
What thinks you? I like these voting thingummies. Have a vote and pass on advice why don't you!
23 August 2011 at 21:45
Maybe you should get rid of the bathroom? Then you could just use next door's, removing yourself from the very endf of a straight road in the process. You're stuck with the graveyard.
23 August 2011 at 22:16
Just keep moving stuff around, you're bound to get it right eventually. I rearranged my guitars in the spare room and, suddenly ... well, nothing happened yet. But it's early days.
23 August 2011 at 22:17
So you live at the dead end of the road?
I love finding Feng Shui books in shops and pointedly moving them a few inches to the left then breathing a sigh of relief.
23 August 2011 at 22:32
Your luck is bound to be on the move. I mean, what else could possibly go wrong?
23 August 2011 at 23:23
Speccy - Indeedy. I never thought of that option... However I'd hate to fall out with my neighbour over toilet roll usage. Maybe I should just build a wee outhouse at the end of the garden....
Tim - Guitars? OK dokey my guitars have been in the garage since I moved in. Could be the guitars. I'll need to find them first...Then maybe put them in the new outhouse at the end of the garden (see above)
Rog - Yep. On the plus side the neighbours are quiet.
Usually.
Dave - Touch Wood. You need to Touch Wood after you tempt fate like that.
NB This is not a double entendre
24 August 2011 at 00:14
I personally suspect working with numbers is major bad luck! Flee!
24 August 2011 at 00:55
Before I vote I need to understand what "stiff fengshui" means?
And, besides, I live above the local cemetery, And have a bathroom! Am I doomed now?
There's no possibility of re-arrangement of anything, because there's no space. And no flucking Chinaman brings me to the point of getting rid of my books, what would be the only way of achiving space here.
I better go for a larger appartement.
24 August 2011 at 06:53
LX - You could be right on the working with numbers situation - but everybody's got to have one lucky number, right???
63mago - By stiffed feng shui, I meant a feng shui that is dead, moribund.
A bigger apartment sounds a great idea. A bigger apartment with an outdoor toilet.....
24 August 2011 at 06:54
'NB This is not a double entendre'
Oh yes it is.
The first house I owned was right next to a cemetery, was at the end of a long straight road and had a bathroom. Generally life there was pretty good. My children spent the first 10 years of their life there.
The cemetery mean that we didn't have noisy neighbours, and my dog used to enjoy going for a walk among the trees. I tried to stop him digging up old bones.
24 August 2011 at 07:17
I'm a just in case kind of gal.....so move a few things around and see what happens.
ps loved the ominous tone comment on my post..made me smile..thanks!
24 August 2011 at 07:42
i do find some of it makes sense... mainly decluttering and not having your loo open off the kitchen... and I am sure I would be far wealthier if i put the loo seat down, but have managed to restrain myself from crystals and plants so far....
Still, I think the universe is telling you to balance your life. Stress, health... usual shit really...
24 August 2011 at 10:55
If you were coming to see me, I'd tell you to get a load of Frankincense and sage, burn it until the smoke detectors go off.
I'd also sit you down, teach those relaxation exercises and we'd work on your 5 Year Plan.
If I were you, I'd find an NLP Practitioner in Cheesetown and invest in some sessions. It'll make your Scottish accountant's heart hurt, but it'll be worth it.
24 August 2011 at 11:49
Tricky blighter, Johnny Feng Shui. A mate of mine moved his blue vase 2 inches to the left and the next day his flat burned down. Co-incidence?
24 August 2011 at 14:17
I'm always reading about feng shui, and yin and yang too, but I've no idea whether they're kosher or a load of old dirty socks. My gut instinct says the energy flows have bounced off the castle. My guess is you've had your fair share of disasters and things can only get better from here on in. Think positive!
24 August 2011 at 17:34
Keep the anger going. Anger is good. Never be a victim. Into every life a little rain must fall and you have had a deluge - time for things to get better and I pray they will.
24 August 2011 at 18:16
You poor love. You'll come through it and things will get better.
After my father died and things got worse from then on, my mother tried to think of reasons it all happened. In the end, I said, "you think that because we left the Christmas decorations up past 12th Night, that killed Daddy?" And she agreed she didn't, not really.
25 August 2011 at 00:41
We too have a bathroom!
Wasn't life much better when we had the tin bath in front of the fire? (And we did!)
I'm afraid to count the number of family/friends funerals I've attended in the past 24 months.
But I do know I've been to over 200 weddings in the same period, (it's my job!), some of which coincided with the funerals, (I sang at a wedding on the day my sister died, and also on the day she was buried.) I'm not quite sure what I'm saying here except maybe that shit happens, and no amount of furniture shifting or bathroom/staircase placement will have any effect whatsoever on what happens in our daily life.
Though I do think you are due a mega dose of good stuff very soon! :¬)
Much love. xxx
25 August 2011 at 07:19
Your mega dose of good stuff is on his way. Less than 3 weeks to go now.
25 August 2011 at 12:31
Well I guess I am royally stuffed having two bathrooms in the house, and three toilets cant help.
My mother taught me all of the Scottish superstitions, so I have dismissed all of those---my best friends wife is Buddhist and tells me that my Buddha is not blessed and doesn't overlook my front door, so he is not helping me. My horse shoes are hung the wrong way so my luck is running out. My rabbits foot certainly didn't help the poor wee beast who had four of them. The neighbours black cat keeps walking past my house and I ducked under the ladder to try for a good shot at him-----
Ok, by luck has not been good for periods of time but other times it has been outstanding---
Life deals you some bad times, and sometimes life seems to implode on you, but you know that it will turn around---and it has started---did you not lose one not so loved work mate recently----is that not an upward movement from the downward spiral----and how luck are you to have us.
Head up, chest out and soldier on--
No no no---I didn't say get your chest out
25 August 2011 at 17:18
Yes you did.
25 August 2011 at 17:51
I've long suspected there was evil lurking in the bathroom, you know. And not just after someone's ingested a curry. Maybe evil comes up the toilet and pinches your bum while you pee? I don't know.
I don't suppose there's someone you can pay in jelly babies to make your road windy? That's windy as in winds in curves, not windy as in blowy. Are we clear?
25 August 2011 at 18:21
Loved the title to this post - made me laugh out loud! Give it a go - why not? Can't hurt, can it? Invest in some extra deodorant though if you're having to smash out the bathroom and all...
25 August 2011 at 20:38
I regularly go without sleep -- nothing I'm aiming for, by the way. Several years ago I went three days without sleep, whereupon I followed the feng shui-y advice of a friend.
And I slept.
Sure, I was bound to sleep at some point, wasn't I? Maybe. But I'm tellin' ya, the advice didn't hurt...
Pearl
26 August 2011 at 08:32
Dave - Oh no it's not
Glad to haer you are feng shui proof if you're heading north.
We have a bit of a black spot here.
Libby - You're welcome. I'll let you know how it's going once I've shifted the guitars.
Fi - Coming from someone with a science background that made me pause for awhiles.
Roses - I shall google NLP. I can also see you and Fi descending on Cheesetown yet...
Broken Biro - Hi! And I shall leave my vases exactly where they are.
Cept for the dusting of course.
Nick - I will. I shall start beaming positivity right back at the tides of negative qi.
Pat Thank you. Things are going to get better.
Z - Is it wrong to find some consoldation in other people having a bad run of luck? It is isn't it. But things did get better for you all. And your story struck a chord.
Maps - Well look, you're warned about that bathroom now....
Meanwhiles I shall start singing.
The world might not thank you!
Dave - Indeed. At Jenners no less.
Clyde - Indeedy. I am very lucky to have you guys.
Dave & Clyde - I am ignoring untoward interest in my chest.
Ms Veg - I am currently investigating the posibility of moving the house on wheels. Even if the feng shui didn't change, we'd have to get better weather..
Curry Queen - OK doke. Though with Biro's comments on the danger of moving vases I shall, as with all housework, take it slowly.
Pearl - Deepest consolations on the lack of sleep.
Actually thinking about it, during sleepless nights shifting a few wardrobes around would certainly tire you out..
26 August 2011 at 08:47
Yes, moving the house south would definitely help with the weather. Have just been comparing the BBC five day forecast for Norfolk, with that for the Orkneys. Several degrees colder further north, for a start.
27 August 2011 at 08:17
Heck, I'd come up to Cheesetown just to annoy you!
27 August 2011 at 12:56
There was nothing untoward in my interest
27 August 2011 at 13:24
I'm saying nothing.
28 August 2011 at 19:51
Dave - Add to that five degree difference a Wind Chill Factor.
And rain.
It really is a bloody awful climate.
Roses - Dave has similar plans. Given his history, is it too late for you to swap?
Clyde - Of course not
Dave - Of course not