It's the 20th October!
I repeat - it's the 20th October!
Lying in bed this morning,....it hit me.
It's the 20th....
This is the day that Wayne died two years ago .
And I'd forgotten.
Jesus H.
Two years ago today, he was under heavy sedation. He was dying here, on a hospital bed, in the downstairs front room.
Reassured by doctors that he could still hear, I held the phone while the NZ relatives spoke to him.
Not fully understanding what was happening, because he still believed it would be alright in the end, the Cherub sat in with his dad, joked about him sounding like Darth Vadar and talked to him about x box, and walking the dog, and pasta for dinner again.
Our Macmillan night nurse came in at 9. This was Marie's second night, and I liked Marie. She read to him through the night. She talked to him too.
At twenty past ten, Marie came through to ask me to see Wayne.
Who had stopped sounding like Darth Vadar.
Because he was dead, "Peaceful at last..."
Wayne died at twenty past ten on the 20th of October, 2009.
A year ago I couldn't even think about this day without crying.
Today I forgot this was the day of his anniversary.
And I think this is a good thing.
I repeat - it's the 20th October!
Lying in bed this morning,....it hit me.
It's the 20th....
This is the day that Wayne died two years ago .
And I'd forgotten.
Jesus H.
Two years ago today, he was under heavy sedation. He was dying here, on a hospital bed, in the downstairs front room.
Reassured by doctors that he could still hear, I held the phone while the NZ relatives spoke to him.
Not fully understanding what was happening, because he still believed it would be alright in the end, the Cherub sat in with his dad, joked about him sounding like Darth Vadar and talked to him about x box, and walking the dog, and pasta for dinner again.
Our Macmillan night nurse came in at 9. This was Marie's second night, and I liked Marie. She read to him through the night. She talked to him too.
At twenty past ten, Marie came through to ask me to see Wayne.
Who had stopped sounding like Darth Vadar.
Because he was dead, "Peaceful at last..."
Wayne died at twenty past ten on the 20th of October, 2009.
A year ago I couldn't even think about this day without crying.
Today I forgot this was the day of his anniversary.
And I think this is a good thing.
20 October 2011 at 08:59
There's nothing I can say that doesn't sound like a cliche, but I want to say something. No, sorry, can't think how to put what I want to say.
20 October 2011 at 09:17
My, what a handsome man!
I hope today isn't too sad for you, Macy.
20 October 2011 at 09:18
But you didn't forget, not really... and yes, I feel it's a good thing that the intensity of grief is losing its sharp edge.
Sx
20 October 2011 at 13:53
Four years coming up for me. First of December. I don't really forget, but specific dates don't mean as much as time passes.
20 October 2011 at 14:25
Scarlet put it better than I could. Onwards and upwards Macy.
20 October 2011 at 14:34
:¬)
xxx
20 October 2011 at 15:46
I hope, as time goes by, that it'll be the good anniversaries that you will remember most strongly. Though, however long it is, in a sense it always feels like yesterday, I think. Loving thoughts to you, Macy xx
20 October 2011 at 17:43
That is a beautiful photo....and yes it is a good thing....and what everyone else says I agree with.x
20 October 2011 at 17:45
Well, crap, Macy. How simply, beautifully written. By the time I got to the photo at the end, I was in tears. I'm a big softie over deaths and endings, and that picture really did it.
You've been through so much in the last couple years. It's amazing sometimes, isn't it, how much we can take...
Hugs,
Pearl
20 October 2011 at 19:46
Dave - I know, but thanks for saying it anyway...
Trish - He was handsome wasn't he? Luckily the Cherub takes after his dad..
Scarlet - Thanks. The edges get blunted under the other stuff.
Tim - Someone told me that eventually that anniversary fades and you remember the good dates like birthdays more. I think this is true.
Rog - As ever. Better than onwards and outwards anyhoos.
Maps - You too.. I know xx
Z - Thanks! If only the good memories really were only yesterday!!
Libby - Thanks! I took that photo! Which is proof that sometimes even idiots can get lucky with a (pre digital) camera!
Pearl - Thank you. And the past couple of years have seen some real crap. The next couple are going to be better.
I know. Because I've decided.
x
20 October 2011 at 20:58
Oh, good decision there Macy. Blunter edges are good
20 October 2011 at 21:01
Oh honey.
It's been a helluva two years. That's for sure.
And well done you. For you kept putting one foot in front of the other. You were strong for Cherub and cried when you needed to.
I'm so glad you're my friend. You're a woman who keeps going, no matter how tough it gets and still finds her sense of humour.
You totally rock.
20 October 2011 at 22:46
What I like is the Cherub got time at the end to spend talking to his dad.
What I like is your grief is starting to subside and you're moving on with life.
What I don't like is your ability to make me cry, selfish bastard that I am.
21 October 2011 at 02:08
Carissima, it is a good sign. You remember, you love. And you survived.
21 October 2011 at 06:54
Better to focus on all the good stuff eh? Don't beat yourself up.
21 October 2011 at 09:12
Speccy - Hell yes. Even better... No Edges...
Roses - Yay! Thanks dollface! And you're right. It's been a hell of a couple of years. But I have a good feeling about 2012.
Working on it!
Charlie - Ahhh sorry about that. Working on an e-mail to you right now which should make you laugh.
63Mago - You know, I think it's a good sign too. Wayne didn't want to be remembered as a dead person.
Curry Queen - Thanks. And there was good stuff you know.
21 October 2011 at 11:25
Macy I'm sure not a day goes by that you don't think of him. Better to remember the good times rather than when he died.
I hope you find this next year a happy one.
21 October 2011 at 13:50
You're right, it's a good thing. It means you're getting a better perspective on it all. And yes, the important thing is to remember all the good times, all the great experiences you wouldn't have had without him.
22 October 2011 at 07:49
I'm sorry that I missed this earlier. But I'm glad that you're emerging out the other side. Hope next year is even better.
22 October 2011 at 08:41
Pat - Thanks. You're right. There isn't a day goes by that I don't either think of him, or argue with him.
Nick - Agreed, you know time and age change your perspectives on everything.
Mme DeF - Good to see you back Mme! Next year has to get better. I've decided this.
22 October 2011 at 16:24
i hear you, sister! xoxoxxo for you and the cherub! xo/s
22 October 2011 at 18:15
I could come and could read your post. I lost one of my friend last year and I can't believe yet his death. I understand that his peaceful end made you releave and also cry. At last you are healed and it's good.And it's so good that he had such good friends including you.
22 October 2011 at 23:48
Hugs
23 October 2011 at 07:36
Savannah - We feel it. We really do.
Haricot - I'm so sory to hear about the loss of your friend. I think it takes years before we can start rally accepting what's happened.
Barb - Big hugs right back.
28 October 2011 at 11:57
19 years and I still remember my brother on "his" day-----maybe not the day before or maybe not til late on "his" day, but I remember.
The pain is gone but the memory is always there
29 October 2011 at 17:56
Macy, it is almost 2 years for me (Nov. 5th), too, and while the sharp edge is certainly gone, the intensity and frequency with which I still think of Steve has, somewhat surprisingly, not changed over the past year.
This whole thing about death and grief, it is just so unpredictable, isn't it. Gets to me sometimes at the most unexpected moments, while it can leave me quite cool at other times.
30 October 2011 at 10:31
Clyde - It's been 20 years since my father died, and I always remember his birthday rather than his "deathday".
I can't imagne going on another 19 years ahead of one of my contemporaries.
Don't know if this makes sense at all....
Librarian - There seems to be some understanding that grief lessens with time. But I've found, like you, that grief still comes at the most unexpected times.
I've never felt cold about it. But I can be very very matter of fact and blunt sometimes.
1 November 2011 at 09:17
You forgot but didn't forget. That is good.