October 20th 2010 is not a Good Day chez Macy.
Nothing personal against every October 20th mind. God knows, the sun is shining as brightly and the sky is as clear as it was last October 20th, and maybe every October 20 since the beginning of time for all I know. Difference is this October 20th is the one I know that marks the day Wayne died. This year I know he is dead.
Last October 20th he was heavily sedated and we had already been told that he wouldn't be waking up again. Last October 20th the Cherub was sitting in with his dad under sedation, telling him about his new X Box game, and how it was just pasta for dinner that night.
Last October 20th I was telling him we were rooting for him.
Last October I knew he was dying. I just didn't believe it. Not deep, deep down, heart of hearts.
I knew he wasn't going to see Christmas.
I knew that the hospital bed was being imported into the house for him to die on.
I knew the big send off from the hospice when he left to come back here was his last trip out of there.
I knew the Big Bang drugs we had in a sealed box were for the final sedation.
I just didn't believe it.
Just didn't believe it deep down.
I mean obviously one one level I believed it. I was phoning and mailing friends and family to keep them up to date, if anyone had asked me how he was doing... well I wouldn't have pretended all was fine with the world would I?
But deep down, deep deep down, nah. Bad stuff like this doesn't happen.
And here's the thing. It really does take a year before you finally finally believe that he really really is dead, and is not coming back.
The hardest part is knowing AND believing that he really went out there and died on us.
20 October 2010 at 11:06
I can't think of a single thing to say that wouldn't sound shite or trite. But you have me in tears now. Which at work on the day of the spending review is okay.
But my heart goes out to you. Although I don't 'know' you, I'll always remember this date and this event. Love to you and the Cherub.
20 October 2010 at 13:09
Sometimes it takes forever to believe.
I think I wasn't allowed to believe that my brother died so young because I had to be there for my parents and be strong---it wasn't til they were gone, I could believe----and it sucks---he is supposed to be here with me.
Remember the good times
There have been plenty of good 20 Octobers
20 October 2010 at 17:03
I think the first aniversary is probably the hardest. You & the Cherub have my heart. xxx
20 October 2010 at 19:41
Oh honey.
I've been thinking of you today.
Yeah, it's crap. But you know that already because you're living it.
I wish I could say something comforting and/or meaningful that would make everything better. But it's not time for 'everything better' yet.
That this time will come, I have no doubt.
In the meantime, here's to you and Cherub and Wayne. I wish you strength, continued courage and peace my dear. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're doing fine.
Hugs to you. You know you aren't alone. x
20 October 2010 at 21:33
I have nothing I could write that you couldn't poke to pieces with a stick, nothing that will change the important material facts. But as far as I can determine the cutbacks in virtual hugs haven't been implemented yet so I've arranged for a barrowload to be sent your way.
I've just deleted a long paragraph full of sanctimonious waffle. You can repay me by giving the Cherub a hug and pinching a few chips off his plate while he's not looking.
[hug] - one for yourself, too.
21 October 2010 at 07:14
Mme DeF Thank you. And I'm sorry about making you cry at work.
Do you know, I never see George Osbourne without thinking of you and Mr Musgrove too?
This is possibly not a cmopliment at all....
Clyde - I know. You know. It's just so hard to believe that people who were so alive get to be dead.
Mapstew - Thank you. You're two steps ahead of me on this process I know.
Roses - Thanks and hugs back for all your kind thoughts. And for including Wayne (wherever he is)
Mr Musgrove - You are the
Milkman of Human Kindness and I hope your services are one of those ring fenced in the Osbourne spending review.
Unfortunately the Cherub fights a fearsome rearguard attack in protection of all chips and Haribos...
22 October 2010 at 01:28
Macy, it does get easier, not better, but easier with time. And some days are worse than others, and some days are just great. Life innit? Much love to you my friend, and to your baby. :¬)
xxx
22 October 2010 at 22:17
Indeed, what to say that isn't just a well-meaning platitude. Coming to terms with something like that is a very personal and painful business, and there's not a lot that anyone else can contribute. I just hope it gets easier as time passes.
23 October 2010 at 18:28
Mapstew - Wise words. You've given me a new mantra - thank you again.
Nick - More kind words. Thank you all!
24 October 2010 at 04:31
My first visit from Madame deFarge and I was shocked to read your post. Seeing as I'm new, all I can say is I'm very sorry. Grief is a long process.
24 October 2010 at 11:40
GW - You're right about the long process.
Do you know, once upon a time I actually thought that things would just get steadily better each day?
Pfft. Such naivety.
25 October 2010 at 18:11
How are you doing this week sweetie?
26 October 2010 at 20:46
Hi Roses!!! No really... the slow broadband connections and lack of time during tht eweek are the only things stopping me posting.
Must figure out how I can have you over for a virtual bottle of wine....
27 October 2010 at 07:36
Well, I'm ridiculous contactable honey. E-mail, FB, twitter, skype even. I'd love a virtual bottle of wine....
I'm glad you're hanging in there. You're in my thoughts.
27 October 2010 at 17:55
Sorry I'm late, man, I'm only now catching up on everything. But I hope your remembering wasn't too painful (of course it was) and that things are improving mentally even if it's a slow progress.
Can I just say though, that photo of you both is adorable.
28 October 2010 at 16:15
Macy: something made me come over and I'm glad I did. I am so sorry - words aren't adequate- I can only send loving thoughts.
And I'm sitting here feeling absolutely useless.
1 November 2010 at 22:13
Veg! Been over to yours and decided you are a STALKER!
Pat - Thank you. And sorry it takes so long for me to actually blog these days.
15 November 2010 at 22:03
Thank you for this post, Macy, for its honesty and openess. As the tears roll down my face, I know that Martha has all of this to go though yet . . .
I think that, one of these days, she could use a friend like you.
16 November 2010 at 08:04
Charlie - Now your comment's made me cry!
But you've already produced a great blog full of wit and wisdom for Martha and us all to go back to.
Will you tell Martha from me that it's OK to still hold on tight to memories?
16 November 2010 at 19:30
Yes, I'll tell her.
And I apologize for making you cry.