Knowing is not the same as believing

Posted on 09:52 In:

October 20th 2010 is not a Good Day chez Macy.

Nothing personal against every October 20th mind. God knows, the sun is shining as brightly and the sky is as clear as it was last October 20th, and maybe every October 20 since the beginning of time for all I know. Difference is this October 20th is the one I know that marks the day Wayne died. This year I know he is dead.

Last October 20th he was heavily sedated and we had already been told that he wouldn't be waking up again. Last October 20th the Cherub was sitting in with his dad under sedation, telling him about his new X Box game, and how it was just pasta for dinner that night.
Last October 20th I was telling him we were rooting for him.

Last October I knew he was dying. I just didn't believe it. Not deep, deep down, heart of hearts.

I knew he wasn't going to see Christmas.
I knew that the hospital bed was being imported into the house for him to die on.
I knew the big send off from the hospice when he left to come back here was his last trip out of there.
I knew the Big Bang drugs we had in a sealed box were for the final sedation.
I just didn't believe it.
Just didn't believe it deep down.

I mean obviously one one level I believed it. I was phoning and mailing friends and family to keep them up to date, if anyone had asked me how he was doing... well I wouldn't have pretended all was fine with the world would I?
But deep down, deep deep down, nah. Bad stuff like this doesn't happen.

And here's the thing. It really does take a year before you finally finally believe that he really really is dead, and is not coming back.

The hardest part is knowing AND believing that he really went out there and died on us.

Yeah right
So much bunk there's no point even discussing it.


W died on the 20th October last year.

This one made me cry on the bus to work.

Welcome to the car crash...

I have a complicated bereavement. I was only reconciled with my ex, W, months before he died of cancer. Luckily (for him) I was made redundant and able to care for him while he died here at home - October 20th.
Currently getting through it with our son, aka the Cherub, dog Ned, and friends here in CHEESETOWN.

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