We have been invited to the Hospice's Children's Day! Or rather the Cherub has. Yes, the hospice has a memorial day each year, when they commemorate those who have passed through their doors, and onwards, leaving kids behind.

A fun event indeed.

I've checked that (i) there will be other teenagers there, and (ii) that yes, it was parent they lost**
And I've thought hard about this. On the one hand, why upset the the Cherub? Why not let him carry on as he is? not mentioning his dad, avoiding places they went together, and pretending it hasn't happened.... W himself specifically did not want me dragging the kid to visit his grave. Well sorry W, you didn't get a grave...

So we're off for a morning of making of commemorative picture frames, sand memory bottles and dream catchers.

Before leaving we have to choose a picture of W that the Cherub can use. This is the start of the tears. Is this a good thing? Is this a bad thing? Hell's teeth, how am I supposed to know??? I'm on my own here.. I'm ad libbing you know. But the Cherub is emphatic that he doesn't want to remember his dad as "this old wheezing guy.. one of the NHS's failures..."
I reassure him that we're going to find a photo of him looking like the good-looking, cool guy he really was..
And that's just the start of it.

The event is being run by Wee Mary. Remember Wee Mary? The Social Worker that W hated? The one he walked out of meetings with??? The one.. well the one that I personally can't see the point of either....except well I had more time to suffer fools than he had.

Dealing with the living as opposed to the terminally ill, Wee Mary is in her element. As a dog, Ned is Not Admitted. Wee Mary has to put up with animals when they belong to patients; without this compassion problem, She can Make Her Own Rules.
As late arrivals the Cherub and I need to sit in our allotted seats, i.e. not the ones we were already sitting in. Can we make sure we are wearing our name badges, can we hurry and finish as we are starting the next activity; no the Cherub cannot have a second piece of shortbread..

Throughout the morning I am having trouble with the constant old lady fussiness of the woman. We are chemical opposites and there's nothing I can do about it. And yet, and yet, and yet, how else better to remember W's spirit? If he's here, he's feeling my exasperation.

Again the Cherub has his own unique take on the situation, "Maybe if we didn't have to be different all the time, we wouldn't have such bad luck"

Well he can talk the talk that boy - but he can't walk the wal. Check out his memory jar with the message "You never could beat me at Timesplitters LOL"


**Obviously a granny or grandpa can be no fun to lose either, but sorry, it's not the same as a parent.

I am a fantastic prevaricator. The STUFF I mean to do but don't get round to is nobody's business; God knows I'm brilliant at starting lists of things to do then LOSING them. If you ever want a hundred reasons NOT to do anything.. I'm your girl.
Or I was.
This week I have not only found a lawyer, but actually made an appointment, and gone there.

In the same week.

Yes. I'm updating my will.
W featured in my last one. Since he isn't likely to collect now, and the Cherub is down to one parent I thought there was no point putting this off any longer.
I thought it would be easy.

And the standard stuff is easy. Who gets what. Well who do you think??? Which charities benefit if both the Cherub and I are wiped out in the same cataclysmic event. It's a no brainer - Enjoy Teenage Cancer Trust!!
Then it got much tougher. My lawyer moved on to checking how the Cherub will be provided for, who will be his guardian, his trustees.. It was when we got to the details of whether he could stay in his own home that my new lawyer had to go into the next room for her box of tissues.
So that's what I was doing last week; howling my way through a family box of Kleenex.

And cursing W

Yeah - thanks for leaving me with this one W! Stroll on out and leave me to sort this mess out why don't you!

At work I sit next to Kurt.
Obviously not that Kurt - the E.E.R.I.E's version is a wee bit older, what with him being out of school for the past 20 years or so, and a tad more more flamboyant. But you get the picture.

And if Penny is the quiet spiller of all beans political, Kurt is the man you need for all personal gossip; the dirt; the vendettas; the background....
And, for reasons best known to the powers that be, Kurt was given the job of running payroll.
Yes. You read that right. Kurt is responsible for updating payroll records.

You can imagine the discussions can't you? Hmm who can be relied upon to show total discretion and professionalism when presented with the salaries and bonuses of every member of staff?
Who can we trust to quietly and discreetly process our expense claims???

I have no idea what the alternatives were when Kurt got the job.

Anyway, this afternoon Kurt is working his way through the last expenses claims submitted by our most Senior Members of Staff. The muttering and flapping of papers is hard to ignore.

"Oh yes, fly to London on the most expensive plane ticket because you need maximum flexibility, easyjet not an option... mmmhmmm oh yes parking of car for five days. Taxi being right out of the question... Tskk looks like dollface has had to park in the short term car park again too!

You're joking!

Joking?? Joking, girlfriend, would be me suggesting she takes the bus from here! Airport bus goes door to door, but THAT's not going to happen is it?
Hmm, and only £3.60. I know.
£3.60 return!! Honest to God...

Another theatrical sigh

Oh and look at this one! Donald's had to claim 220 miles! Driving here to the last Board Meeting!
God! where's he live??
Hmm, {checking back to claim form} Oh ... Morningside. Figures.
What he do? Drive via OBAN??
Oh God Macy, tell me about it. I've flagged it and flagged it, and I give up. I really do.

Yeah, I suppose the only people you can flag it to are the ones who're claiming just as much, right?
You're catching on quick, Macy, I like that in a blonde.

Oh, d'you know. Wait till I show you something that''ll really make you weep.
Yeah?
Hang on, I need to show you the payroll budget spreadsheet!
Oh...wow!
OK. Look, see here.. Column D is the 2009 salary, column E is the increase.
Good God! HE's on £XXX,xxx! {Macy scrolling down the columns.} But not everyone got a pay increase?
Oh no. We're making economies of course. Just not at the top.

Yeah, because otherwise they would leave to go to better jobs in the Private Sector right?
We can only dream Macy, we can only dream..

TS Eliot would have it that "April is the cruelest month".
Obviously TS had his own scheme of seasonal change and momentous events in mind when he wrote that. He was writing some of the most important poetry in English Literature. He was working on finding and defining the objective correlative for the human condition.

Back at mine we're on a different calendar. Different anniversaries. Smaller stuff.
We've already had the First Christmas since W's death. Through January and February we had the first anniversaries of W's operation and terminal diagnosis respectively.
No celebrations were in order.

In March we had Mother's Day. Neither W nor I had any time for this ersatz, commercial schmaltz. Presents and cards were always handmade. So on Mother's Day 2008 I was given a video featuring the Baby Cherub, and a very young W and Macy.
I can't watch it.

This year without a firm steer away from commercial pap, the Cherub went out and bought a present all on his own. I hate Mother's Day.

Now April's here and the flowers we bought on our last family day out are coming into bloom. That's OK. Who's going to get too cut up about daffodils? But we also have the start of the Big Anniversaries.
On April 20th It will be six months to the day since W died.
By a rather superb twist of fate it will also be 18 years to the exact day that I met W.

You want icing on this cake? I remember the date so well because it's my birthday....

OK Big Hand to TS Eliot, but I think I've outdone his April.