The vigilant amongst you may have noticed a seismic decrease in my blogging activity lately. The truly perspicacious of you will have sussed that this has been the week I returned to work.

For those of us working for Eminent Institutes, work is very definitely a hindrance to blogging.

But there have been changes.
There has in fact, been a very significant change.

First thing I knew about it was when I went into work and there was an empty desk.

Let's have a recap. When I last left the office, Penny was in charge. Silent, brooding Penny. Penny who only communicated by e-mail. Which was disconcerting if you sat within three feet of her.
Penny who needed to control, and amend, and delete and correct. Endlessly. Penny who would take a ruler to measure the margins on reports, but who was unable to recognise the meaning of the content.
Penny who had seen off two of my predecessors in the previous two years.
Since she had been issued with a Blackberry, Kurt and I had got used to receiving e-mails sent at midnight or later.
From last year-end onwards I had been starting to have my own problems with Penny. Problems I may not have blogged about because, well really, how could I have fully conveyed the angst of the sales ledger reconciliation, the grief generated in the posting of deferred income, never mind the full horror of the great year end reserves reconciliation debate of 2010.
Sigh. To summarise. Through the last week in April Penny and I were in the midst of yet another difference of opinion. This time it ws around whether to post member numbers on a cumulative or absolute basis.

I'll let you form your own opinions on that.

At our last meeting, Penny stormed out - whilst I went home and had a heart attack.
Which changed things.

A Lot.

Kurt had long threatened to have a nervous breakdown, two people had resigned in the past two years, but the possibility that members of the finance team would now be leaving the building on stretchers meant senior management had to act.
They held meetings with every member of the finance team.
They have listened.

Penny has been physically removed.  Responsibility for team management is now shared between Macy and Kurt.

And we have all agreed that member numbers should be posted on a cumulative basis in line with other journal postings.

It couldn't last could it? Three months paid sick leave, taking it easy, watching the neighbours mow my lawn, wee  day trips out, unlimited access to the XBox. The game's up, my recovery is well under way, and on Thursday it was time for a Phased Return to work.

It wasn't all bad. For a start I'm only in mornings for the first couple of weeks. And the first couple of mornings were spent catching up with people - the girls in finance, the boys in IT, my pals in Central Papershuffling; big hugs from Annie in legal, more big hugs from Suze in Corporate Doublespeak. In between chats I had my e-mails to delete read, including several welcome back messages from high heidyins and those in foreign offices (hello London!). They've all been supernice.

And my boss, Penny, is on holiday.
Which is a Good Thing since rumour has it that Penny caused my heart attack.
This rumour has gained some traction, since my heart attack did indeed follow an acrimonious meeting between Penny and myself.
In fact, Thursday was the first time I had returned to my desk since leaving for a meeting with Penny three months ago.

Penny was not  there on my first day back, but sent an e-mail.
Headed "Welcome Back", and excluding her signature, it runs to six words

"I'll see you on Monday".

The jury's out, but the consensus is that Penny does not do supernice.

Three months it's been - count them, three months since I last displayed my talent for multitasking.  Check out my ability to dry my hair, whilst eating breakfast and simultaneously checking my e-mails. It is a gift.

Watch how I have retained my ability to make a tiny ironing board out of two dishlcoths and one square foot of kitchen surface, before ironing the skirt I am currently wearing .

Marvel at my ability not only to hurtle through every shortcut in the North West Edinburgh area , but to sucessfully apply make up at every red and amber traffic light.

Yes, yes, I know.  Some people might class all this as simply the inevitable result of Bad Timekeeping.  Those of us who have had meetings with Occupational Health, however, know that these are an important part of the rehabilitation process.  My phased return aims to Reestablish Working Patterns.

Yep.  Still got it.  

Over at the Extremely Eminent and Respectable Institute of Edinburgh (EERIE), we are a group of highly educated people, who adhere to the strictest codes of confidentiality and professionalism in all that we do.

Except when it comes to payroll.

Our payroll is run in -house by the twinkly, gregarious, ever fragrant Kurt.

Whoever decided that Kurt was the person to run the in house payroll was obviously having an off day as far as adhering to strictest codes and etc. was concerned. The decision having been made though, presumably he remains posting salaries since the alternative would be to upset him.

They haven't noticed he's already upset.

There's only so long I can ignore the theatrical sighs and shuffling of paper at the next desk
........ what's up?
Oh nothing...just going through this shit about the pay rise....
??? Pay rise???? What pay rise??
Oh just the wee 4 per cent pay rise for managers....
Managers get 4%???
Mmmm hmmmm
We get 1.5 and they get 4%???
Oh unless you're a director - (passing over the spreadsheet) how'd you like that for Christmas??
Great, now we're all upset.

OK, I'm going to SHARE something...
But it's a SECRET OK?
If this gets out ... well if anyone ever hears about it...
Blogging Community: Oh you can tell us!
No seriously.. it's embarrassing.
BC Yay!... erm no oh , I meant you can tell us....
If anyone at work hears it... I'm DEAD
BC. {Deep sympathetic} Oohhhh
And in these times, God I shouldn't even be talking about it , never mind blogging it.
Deep silence
.....
Deepening silence from Blogging Community , who, are already remembering STUFF they have to do...
......
OK, look I'm sorry about this... but...
...
Patience of Blogging Community appears to wearing thin..
....
OhGodI'mgoingtobesorryaboutthislater...

I really like my job. I'm really enjoying what I do. No really, for the first time in umpteen thumpy years, I'm not getting depressed on Sunday nights... I'm not dreading Mondays... See me, I'm all fired up about the projects in hand, the budgets, the stocktakes, the Bank Review Panel. I like my team of fellow weirdos. I like the policy wonks on the third floor, the ego driven marketing team, and the "who knows what the hell they do" admin team next door.
Check out the seminars and conferences!
International Financial Reporting Standards for SME
IFRS for SMEs Hwo to convert from UK GAAP
Cross Border Charity Regulation in Scotland
And next week I get to go on the Tax Update course!

I know.. I know.. I know you're thinking WTF? HOW did this happen??

BC Got that right Macy!

Yeah, yeah, the pay's realtively shit, and the vendetta beetween me and the Head of IT is shaping up nicely. But see, when you've had crap jobs for the past 20 years, when you've been through the Work-65-hour-weeks-or-we'll-say-you're-crap culture of Big American Banks. My god, some kind of record seems necessary.

Even if I've now jinxed it, by saying it.

BC D'ye think it's the Karma?

Wouldn't it be nice to think so?
Dunno.

I am an accountant. Technically, if you want to be really, really picky about this, I am a Chartered Accountant (Institute of England and Wales if you want to check it out...).

It's my dad's fault - he told me I'd never stick it...

He could have told me I'd never make it as an astrophysicist, an architect, an anthropologist, but no, he had to tell me I'd never be an accountant.
Of all things...

Yep

I know

No, actually it's worse than that...

But you know, it's a handy enough trade. World always needs number crunchers, yadda yadda yadda. World might not want to hear what you did all day, but you know world pays the going rate.

Trouble is you can be too NICE to be an accountant. It's like plumbing. World always needs plumbers and accountants at the WORST times. At SHORT NOTICE because there is a CRISIS which will ENGULF them. Sensible plumbers set very high call out rates to keep their weekends and evenings free. I don't know what sensible accountants do.. because I keep hearing from people in the shit.

People who forgot they had a tax return to do..people who thought that Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs and Companies House, and the Charities Regulator would all go away if they just ignored them for long enough.

No. I don't know how these rumours start either.

And I am too NICE to tell them it's Not My Problem. I Am No Longer in Practice. I have a day job which takes up enough of my time, and provides enough various and odd numbers to amuse me all day (and some of my weekends) thanks very much.

I have tried. I have tried to say no. I have produced sets of accounts which show eye watering losses, I have completed Business Plans which show this person is a blintering idiot and shouldn't be loaned any more money. I have ruthlessly weeded out non deductible expenses from tax returns...
And still I get the desperate e-mails.
Because I helped out last year and the year before because I am an idiot who is too NICE. And cheap.. because I am NICE.

Today there was yet another development. Despite having said no, and ignored the e-mails..I got a large brown envelope from the Wee Glasgae Church... stuffed with the usual incomplete sets of bank statements, random invoices.. and scary official forms.

Plumbers have it easy. No one can send them a blocked sink in the post.

And proving once again, that Edinburgh really is the centre of the universe, (or a town full of hicks desperately needing to outdo Glasgow. I can do both sides of that argument), tomorrow we have none other than the Pope amongst us.
The Pope!
The Pope???
Yep the POPE.
(Stick that Glasgow....)

Yeah we've got the Pope most of the day. The Man is going to arrive at Edinburgh International Airport (... get us...you'd think we'd more than one runway or something..). He's then going to drive through the centre of Edinburgh - a feat no ordinary local can manage in these days of tramworks let me tell you. Then he'll meet the Queen before driving off for a cup of tea with a couple of, (presumably forewarned) bishops over in Morningside.

And thousands of the faithful will be flocking to line his route.
And every catholic school in the Central Scotland has been given the day off to go see and wave flags..
And hundreds of vociferous protesters will be making some major points about Child Abuse, and Women Priests and Aids in Africa..
And since it's St Ninian's day there will be Parades and Bands and, oh I don't know confetti and free Irn Bru or whatever.

And it's great... fine.. I mean I'm no pal of John Knox either you know... it's just they've forgotten to let me know how the hell I'm meant to get to work when every main road between Cheesetown and the Institute is going to be closed or packed with the faithful....

Apparently everyone does it; cruises along on some great zeitgeist, where all the thoughts an d ideas we have are are actually shared by most of our generation. It's a Noosphere, it's a Collective Consciousness, it's all in the memes..

Or put it another way. Back in the 1960's, when my mum and dad first looked at their new infant daughter and decided that the name MACY was radical and original, and memorable.. well thousands of other parents were thinking exactly the same thing.
Especially in Scotland...

Since starting work at the renowned Institute, I have found out exactly how unoriginal they were.
Not only is my Financial Director called Macy, but two of my budget holders are also called Macy.

That's on the third floor. Elsewhere in the institute there are a further THREE Macys at work.

Since there are only 130 people working at the institute worldwide* that means that about 10% of the female workforce in the Institute are called MACY.
HA! And it gets better. Because we are in Scotland - four of us are called Macy Mac...

Oh how we laughed when a dignified trustee sent an effusive e-mail to Macy (Me) inviting me out to lunch. He meant the other Macy of course..

But over the past five months, the joy of e-mails sent to the wrong person, or confusion over which Macy's office we are to meet in has worn off.

My team don't think it's funny anymore when they have to explain that no Macy can't meet with Macy at short notice because she's in a meeting with Macy. No not that Macy the other one...

I've been asked if I have a nickname they could use instead.
And I do .... but it's the one I use on my blog...

At work I sit next to Kurt.
Obviously not that Kurt - the E.E.R.I.E's version is a wee bit older, what with him being out of school for the past 20 years or so, and a tad more more flamboyant. But you get the picture.

And if Penny is the quiet spiller of all beans political, Kurt is the man you need for all personal gossip; the dirt; the vendettas; the background....
And, for reasons best known to the powers that be, Kurt was given the job of running payroll.
Yes. You read that right. Kurt is responsible for updating payroll records.

You can imagine the discussions can't you? Hmm who can be relied upon to show total discretion and professionalism when presented with the salaries and bonuses of every member of staff?
Who can we trust to quietly and discreetly process our expense claims???

I have no idea what the alternatives were when Kurt got the job.

Anyway, this afternoon Kurt is working his way through the last expenses claims submitted by our most Senior Members of Staff. The muttering and flapping of papers is hard to ignore.

"Oh yes, fly to London on the most expensive plane ticket because you need maximum flexibility, easyjet not an option... mmmhmmm oh yes parking of car for five days. Taxi being right out of the question... Tskk looks like dollface has had to park in the short term car park again too!

You're joking!

Joking?? Joking, girlfriend, would be me suggesting she takes the bus from here! Airport bus goes door to door, but THAT's not going to happen is it?
Hmm, and only £3.60. I know.
£3.60 return!! Honest to God...

Another theatrical sigh

Oh and look at this one! Donald's had to claim 220 miles! Driving here to the last Board Meeting!
God! where's he live??
Hmm, {checking back to claim form} Oh ... Morningside. Figures.
What he do? Drive via OBAN??
Oh God Macy, tell me about it. I've flagged it and flagged it, and I give up. I really do.

Yeah, I suppose the only people you can flag it to are the ones who're claiming just as much, right?
You're catching on quick, Macy, I like that in a blonde.

Oh, d'you know. Wait till I show you something that''ll really make you weep.
Yeah?
Hang on, I need to show you the payroll budget spreadsheet!
Oh...wow!
OK. Look, see here.. Column D is the 2009 salary, column E is the increase.
Good God! HE's on £XXX,xxx! {Macy scrolling down the columns.} But not everyone got a pay increase?
Oh no. We're making economies of course. Just not at the top.

Yeah, because otherwise they would leave to go to better jobs in the Private Sector right?
We can only dream Macy, we can only dream..

Becaue the Extremely Esteemed and Reputable Institue of Edinburgh is so very, very extremely esteemed and etc, it is governed by a series of Boards and Committees.
Oh indeedy.

All of them made up of extremely distinguished and learned academics.
And the most distinguished, prominent and critical of these is the Audit Committee. The very name of which strikes fear into the finance department.
No missing comma, misaligned table, or erroneous page reference escapes these boys' notice. No typo is too insignificant to escape their withering scorn and demands for Immediate Action.

Every quarterly committee meeting means the production of a thick 150 page review document in which the accounts, objectives and strategies of the Institute can be scrutinised in eye pinging detail.
Production of said review document consumes all of the Finance departments waking hours, and nightmares in the weeks preceding.

So you can imagine how the balloon went up when the committee discovered there had been an error between the reviewing and binding of said review document.
And an e-mail someone had left on the printer got bound along with the document.
Between table 6 "FTE equivalents" and 7 "IFRS Restatement of Income" we had


I believe the Finance Director may have been summoned to explain this one.

Hem Hem.

Today I got my first payslip
And some kind of record is vital
I'd write a poem to celebrate
But I can't even think of a title.

OK. Off to admire the NEW TEMPLATE for a bit longer.

Three weeks in, and I'm well installed at the new job. Get me! I have been issued with my own mug, with the E.E.R.I.E logo on it; I've perfected my voicemail message. I have colonised the shelves behind my desk.
And I've got my PHOTOS on the desk. Nothing like the old photos on the desk routine for breaking the ice is there.
Kurt's wombled over to check them out.

"Nice one. What's your dog's name?"
Oh that's Ned. Well, actually since we moved to the east coast here, he's become Glasgow Ned.

"... Heh heh he. Oh great.. a beancounter with a sense of humour!"

Used to...The joke's worn a bit thin the past couple of years mind you..

"And the kid?"
Oh that's The Cherub! Mind you THAT joke's getting funnier by the day..

"Heh heh. I hate to ask what you call his dad"
Oh.. well he's had his share of name calling in his time..

"Yeah?"
Yeah. And then he went and died. And that fairly put an end to the funnier ones.

"....?"
Sorry. I'm going to work on the timing on that one.

Because I am CONSCIENTIOUS and DILIGENT I am writing down everything I learned from that seminar I went to.
With my boss, Penny.

Obviously the object of the road trip was to learn Matters of Extreme Importance on Arcane Facts. However I also learned en route:-

1. That since Penny lives between two extremely old and respectable private schools, it is impossible to drive to hers without sitting in a traffic jam of Chelsea Tractors for half an hour.
2. That given a small confined space like a Mazda in a traffic jam, my boss can talk for Jesus.
3. That my boss thinks she should have the finance director's job.Because, not only does she know everything and the FD know NOTHING, but the FD is also constantly working from home
4. That the longest the FD has "worked from home " in one stretch is 3 weeks.
5. That it hadn't occurred to my boss to bring directions on how to get to the seminar.
6. That the director of the Department Next Door is two faced.
7. That my own predecessor couldn't add her way out of a paper bag.
8. That my predecessor has, however, been adopted by the two faced director of the Department Next Door, and so instead of being let go, has been promoted.
Over Penny.
9. That my boss doesn't like driving so fast...
10.. Another assistant was made redundant so my predecessor could take over as manger next door....
11. That I should be careful never to get stuck in the lift alone with the Senior Lecturer..I wish
12. That I should ignore that sign for the big Market Town.
13. That nobody likes Liz because.....
14. That, maybe I should have taken that turn off back there for the Big Market Town15. That it doesn't matter if we miss the first half hour of the seminar
16. That the Folk on the Second Floor...

One of the best bits about the grand new job with the Extremely Esteemed and Respected Institute of Edinburgh is the chance I get to go on lots of courses and seminars being run.
Like the one being held in the big Market Town just up the motorway from Cheesetown!

Yes accountants and interested bodies will be converging to discuss matters of Vital Importance in the reporting of Arcane Facts.
I get to go.
And since the Big Market Town is about 30 miles as the crow flies up the motorway I get a long lie in bed till at least 7am, before driving up the M9. CDs blaring loud enough for me to sing along to.

Yep. That was Plan A.

Time to meet my new boss. Penny. Penny is QUIET - and painfully shy. Why she recruited me from the other applicants God knows, but He isn't telling. Listen.... if everyone stops typing on their PCs long enough you can hear Penny speak....quietly...When she first showed me how to work the photocopier (no really it's password controlled) I thought she was whispering me a State Secret.
I'd make up a sentence with the words "Chalk" and "Cheese" in it to describe us, but I can't be bothered.

Today I found out that Penny is going to the conference too. Except Penny is scared to drive. Seriously scared. So we could share a car?

Oh Oka-ay.. that's a bit of a change in musical direction then.. Maybe no singalong to Primal Scream. At this point I'm still amazed that anyone is more scared of driving than they are of being a passenger in mine.....
But it gets better.

Can I pick her up from her house?
Oh...Oka-ay. Because obviously she is scared to drive, and so taking a bus or public transport to the far and distant Cheesetown is out of the question too.

And where does she live?
Sigh. Guess what. She's scared to drive and so yadda yadda yadda blah. She lives two minutes away from the office. Two minutes walking time from the office.

Yep. This is why I'm now going to be getting up half an hour earlier, so I can drive into Edinburgh in the rush hour, through Tramwork Diversions, then all the way back out again.
PFFFttt.

Obviously I have warned her about the car..
Obviously I have warned her about the great smell of NED wafting around the car.
Nothing can dissuade the woman.

Let's just see how slowly and quietly I can drive the Maz up the M9 huh?

Yes, yes, yes. Been awhile I know, what with the new job, and all the TIME it takes up.Sensible Self: TSK. Time management Macy.

And I keep getting asked how the new job is going. And the trouble is...erm...don't want to say this or anything... but the trouble is it's going great. It's fantastic. It's not about fund valuations, or stock classifications and pricing, or discounted interest rates.
Sensible Self . zzzzzz

Exactly.. You can wake up now....No. It's about conferences, and publications, and urgent issue task forces out in China and Romania. It's about the disciplinary board and big legal cases. It's about the NERDS down on the second floor studying arcane stuff.
Sensible self. Steady there Macy.

I know. I'm like Tigger in a sweet shop.
Sensible Self. Not a good image for the financial controller.

There's the library, with acres of books which I can borrow whenevers.
Sensible Self. You generally do that in a library mind.

They run courses, and I can sit in on them and get copies of the coursework.
Sensible self. Good girl. Remember not to ask any of your OBVIOUS questions won't you?

And did I mention the Nerds? The boffins? The experts in extremely arcane stuff? Nothing I like more than a good discussion of the intricacies of ship insurance, coffee bean futures, and Edinburgh's medical museums.

Sensible self. Yes. Many's the time indeed I've worried about my ignorance on coffee bean futures..

Since Wednesday, there has been a distinct lack of sightings of Macy, or Ned for that matter, around the Chesetown area.
Footprints in the snow around the back hill would indicate they have been there - but if so it can only have been before daylight. Which in sideways sleet and snow would be madness...

The Mazda has been gone all through the day. No one is buying the last Guardian or Grazia from Scotmid.

More worryingly, there have been sightings of a Doggie Day Care van coming to remove the Nedster from his home billet each morning. Pedestrians have been able to pass by Macy's front window without sounds of furious barking from within. Postal workers have gone about their business unmolested by a ball of black and white fury hurling itself in their general direction.

Macy has been a no-show at Pilate's classes, Sunday cinemas and book clubs...

It could indicate she has started her New Day Job.
This would go some way to explaining the sudden spike in clothes sales around the Edinburgh area in the past week as Macy has more money to spend.

It wouldn't explain the maniacal cackling from her house late of an evening though.
Not unless conditions were so good at her new billet, and the news from the Big American Bank continues to be so bad. Not unless the latest round of redundancies included some of those on her most hated list.

Bullying huh? Staff at Downing Street are feeling bullied and phoning a helpline?

I'm going to try and keep this short..

For what seems like more years than I can count I worked in the Financial Services Sector. Latterly at a Big American Bank.

A big macho testosterone fuelled Global American Bank.
Edinburgh's director, Wee Sam was a short man on an even shorter fuse. Senior management and lesser minions were bawled out on an hourly basis. I don't know if collars were ever seized, but the abuse got seriously personal.
You could spot anyone on the receiving end of a phone call - they're the ones with the receiver six inches from their ear...
You could recognise anyone heading to his office - by the walk.. the slump of the doomed.

And the bullying trickled down.

Senior and middle managers congregated in the smoking areas to plan how to cover their backs and find fall guys for whatever new crisis has erupted. Because there was always a crisis, and there always had to be a fall guy in this environment.
The "best" managers were the ones who could quickly identify and deal with a culprit.
This is how bullying gets institutionalised.

And the bullying was condoned because the US directors were even more aggressive than Edinburgh's.
Ha! There goes our Wee Sam on his way to get a bollocking on his next conference call with the US. Look at his walk - the slump of the doomed.

Through September to November I worked ten weeks with no weekends. I have especially fond memories of the weekend where I worked alongside thirty others through till half one in the morning Friday and Saturday night.

Because we were scared to tell them where to go.

Notoriously I asked for flexitime to allow me visits to the hospice and chemo unit. Although I was warned not to by another manger.... And we know how that panned out

So. If anyone's getting yelled at in Downing Street, it's probably not very nice. But if you are helping run the country, you might want to wise up and contact ACAS rather than a helpline run out of a back office. Yeah, and while you're at it, you might want to try and raise awareness of institutionalised bullying which is rife throughout some of our "professions".
Just a thought.

Macy
xx