Today is my Friends and Family group at Edinburgh's Maggies Centre. Every Tuesday morning friends and family of those affected by cancer meet to talk.
I've been through a lot with this group.
As a newbie, I felt that I was intruding. Back in April, there I was, the ex partner. W and I were still hardly speaking. We'd finished the arguments about child access and money, but there was still a chill in the air. Officially he'd only told me because I was the cherub's mum.
Officially I only joined the group because I was looking to help the cherub.
Looking back though, anyone could see that I was disproportionately upset by the news. But there I was in a circle of people who really were affected, sons and daughters in remission or diagnosed, brothers and husbands diagnosed. I felt like a fraud.
By July I was a fully fledged member of the group. The speed of W's cancer, and our reconciliation, meant that I was now up to speed on the technical language of diamorphine, drivers, community equipment services yadda yadda yadda. By the end of July there were signs of tears.
By August I was a senior member of the group. I was on out ahead there. Other members' sufferers were still at early stages; but there was W losing the power of his legs, needing ever increasing amounts of drugs around the clock, writing his last letter to the Cherub, making plans to sell of his car to pay for his funeral. And I was losing patience with the junior members of that group, who could moan about the term "remission" being meaningless, it's not meaningless - it means you'll see Christmas!
And now it's Tuesday again, and I'm not sure that I haven't graduated completely from this group. I may at least be unfit for their company.
I'm past the wheelchair-access discussions, and chemo side effects debates. I've gone on to what the body bag looks like as it's wheeled out of your front door. I've done the holding hands through the last days, talking, and talking and talking in the sheer blind faith that some of what I'm saying can be heard.
I've hugged the body.
I'm not sure it's a good idea I go to this group. They really don't need to know what could be ahead.
3 November 2009 at 12:15
It almost sounds like the pain is passed down the line from newby to senior, from senior to newby.
I'm not sure that you will have gained anything for cherub or yourself---just lived more of the pain of others to know that you are not alone
Graduate and dont go back
3 November 2009 at 13:15
I can understand your reservations. It sounds like you do need to walk away.
Whatever you do, you've earned the right to make the decision.
4 November 2009 at 07:05
I assume that you can go back if and when you feel like it in the future. So, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to go now. They may need you in the future, you may need them. But now, if it doesn't feel right, then don't.
4 November 2009 at 21:19
Sorry - a wee bit on the negative side yesterday. Maggies, of course has a separate bereaved group. Tissues NOT optional...