At work I sit next to Kurt.
Obviously not that Kurt - the E.E.R.I.E's version is a wee bit older, what with him being out of school for the past 20 years or so, and a tad more more flamboyant. But you get the picture.

And if Penny is the quiet spiller of all beans political, Kurt is the man you need for all personal gossip; the dirt; the vendettas; the background....
And, for reasons best known to the powers that be, Kurt was given the job of running payroll.
Yes. You read that right. Kurt is responsible for updating payroll records.

You can imagine the discussions can't you? Hmm who can be relied upon to show total discretion and professionalism when presented with the salaries and bonuses of every member of staff?
Who can we trust to quietly and discreetly process our expense claims???

I have no idea what the alternatives were when Kurt got the job.

Anyway, this afternoon Kurt is working his way through the last expenses claims submitted by our most Senior Members of Staff. The muttering and flapping of papers is hard to ignore.

"Oh yes, fly to London on the most expensive plane ticket because you need maximum flexibility, easyjet not an option... mmmhmmm oh yes parking of car for five days. Taxi being right out of the question... Tskk looks like dollface has had to park in the short term car park again too!

You're joking!

Joking?? Joking, girlfriend, would be me suggesting she takes the bus from here! Airport bus goes door to door, but THAT's not going to happen is it?
Hmm, and only £3.60. I know.
£3.60 return!! Honest to God...

Another theatrical sigh

Oh and look at this one! Donald's had to claim 220 miles! Driving here to the last Board Meeting!
God! where's he live??
Hmm, {checking back to claim form} Oh ... Morningside. Figures.
What he do? Drive via OBAN??
Oh God Macy, tell me about it. I've flagged it and flagged it, and I give up. I really do.

Yeah, I suppose the only people you can flag it to are the ones who're claiming just as much, right?
You're catching on quick, Macy, I like that in a blonde.

Oh, d'you know. Wait till I show you something that''ll really make you weep.
Hang on, I need to show you the payroll budget spreadsheet!!
OK. Look, see here.. Column D is the 2009 salary, column E is the increase.
Good God! HE's on £XXX,xxx! {Macy scrolling down the columns.} But not everyone got a pay increase?
Oh no. We're making economies of course. Just not at the top.

Yeah, because otherwise they would leave to go to better jobs in the Private Sector right?
We can only dream Macy, we can only dream..